When my world gets quiet is a very hard time for me. My time isn't filled with school, sports, managing teams, changing diapers, being a counselor, being a taxi or even being a friend. It's a time of reflection for me and some times its not always what I want to face. I keep myself so busy that I don't even have time to sit still. When I do sit still and I cry, I hate to cry but I do. Everything comes flooding through like a dam has opened. It's when I realize that my life hasn't turned out like I wanted as well as my short comings in my life. My heart aches every single day of my losses, what I should've done and terrified of what my future holds.
Everyone sees a different person, the person that manages teams, does school work with kids, practices, games , what a great time management person I can be with all my hectic schedules. The reality is I'm not together inside. I stay so busy that I don't have time to dwell on me. The more I do the more I fall apart inside. There's a dark side inside of me that wants to crawl into a hole. My life has been one obstacle after another from childhood all the way up into my adult life. I feel like I'm grasping but I keep falling back down into that dark hole. I stand beside I can't stand phony people but in reality I'm the biggest fake person out there. I pretend to be fine and happy but in reality I'm not. I can't let anyone too close to me because I've had my heart broken and ripped in half over and over again. My ex husband did it multiple times,my family and my so called best friends did it and my heart felt like it was going to explode into millions of pieces when I loss my babies. Of all the hurt in the world that was the worst feeling in my life. The wait to see their life drain right out of them while holding them and knowing there was nothing I could do at all. These times are very rare and far between but I am determined that I will not let that happen to my children as much as I can.
When I fall apart there's no one there. There's no one to turn too because I keep surronding myself with the same people that has ripped, torn and made my heart explode..WHY?! I want to teach my children that people change, that they deserve a second chance and there are good people out there. Even if they are that good person there is such a thing as good people. I don't want their hearts harden like mine has over the years.
