My Silence

 When you said "that was too easy", it may have been easy for you but what My Silence was saying is....

You broke me!

You made me feel alive again

You made me look forward to seeing you everyday

You crawled over walls that I have held so close to my heart that terrified me.

I allowed you to do all that to me

I allowed you in my life, to share my world that I have worked so hard to keep protected to keep this from happening again.

I allowed you to see my scars, to share my pain, my fears and my world. 

How could you not hear my heart being shredded. My heart was beating so loudly, the feeling of knives stabbing my heart over and over. It was so loud, I barely even heard the words "I"m sorry"

I was calm because when I heard the words come out of your mouth I KNEW BETTER!

I knew something was not right, that deep down gut feeling that I couldn't shake. To the point where I felt like something was sour in my stomach. I pushed it to the side even when I saw all the flags waving from miles away. I TRUSTED you, but in the end I knew better. 

My heart feels like it has been wrapped in chains and dragged across broken glass. It's like looking into a dark hallway but there is a faint light miles down that hallway. As I walk closer in this black abyss the light keeps getting brighter the closer I get to it. I hold my breath because I know what that light is. I just have to be careful to not touch it or hold on to it for too long. See when I come in contact with that light, it brings me to my knees. Tears stream down my face uncontrollably and those are the times when I can barely make it through the day. Those are the days that I am barely hanging on by a string. These are the days that make me wonder if this life is even worth it. This part of me I keep hidden from the world, it is so precious to me that I'm willing to sacrifice every once of my own life to protect it. One day, I will find someone that will be worthy of knowing all of me, even this part. See in this minuscule ball of light is hope. It sees the good in this world when everything is in chaos around us. It is unconditional love and loyalty. This ball of light was HUGE at one point, but I've been physically and emotionally beaten. Told I was good enough and not worth loving which there are days I have a hard time loving myself. Now this bright light has been diminished into a third of what it was. Every single time it starts to grow, something or someone comes and reminds me it's not worth it. 

In the end I knew better! Even after all of this, I still love you. It sounds mad , crazy and even absurd but I still love you unconditionally. 

Even though I am silent, I'm slowly dying inside. 

 

Random thoughts...

The other day I was talking to one of my closest friend that I've known for almost 20 years now. Whew!!! We're old lol anyways. We were talking about life and jobs since I recently moved. Before I even proceed I wouldn't do it but can't say the thought didn't cross my mind due to the outrageous amount of money you could make in a few days. I'd rather work at a fast food place than do this but I can totally see from their point of view why they would. 
Our conversation roughly went like this. Some places have legal prostitution. Of course you have to make sure you get check every few months by a doctor and I'm sure there are some other legal stuff they need to do. I said I could see how the money is tempting and I could see from their point of view. I mean we do what we have to I guess. She said you would do that? Sleep with strangers for money?  Then I started thinking about it. Isn't that what happens when we go out for a night? We go to the bars, meet friends have a couple of drinks and then some of us go home with random strangers or people you know. No compensation except maybe a drink or two. What's the difference really? At least you get paid the other way. 
My point is before you start judging someone for their actions because you have no real reason knowing their situation. Maybe we should check ourselves and make sure we weren't doing the same thing for basically free haha!! Just a thought. 

Our Journey...

For the past few months I've known that we will have to move due to "budget cuts" to our insurance. As many of you all ready know we are a military family and will be affected by the newest furloughs and budget cuts to the military. I'm not big on anything with politics because I've always believed that there are two ways to end good friendships & start a family war, talk about politics and religion. I've always been one to understand that everyone has a right to believe what they want too & are able to have opinions. With that said I really think we could stop funding other countries and take care of our own. I'm moving with four children across country because of the "new" regulations. Yes I have it better than most but then again why after almost 15 years in the military do we have to be the ones that move. Why can't we cut funding to these other countries and take care of us first. If we can't take care of ourselves what in the world do we think we are going to do for other countries? 
Time has slipped past me so fast that I now realize that we have a little over 48 hours left here in Alabama. I've made so many friends that I consider family that it breaks my heart knowing I have to leave the comfort of home to me. All though on the other side of this I have my family waiting for me and I couldn't be more grateful. I've planned so many things along the way to keep my children occupied because there's nothing worse than having kids worry about adult life's problems. Top that with having two children with Autism and one with a mild case of Cerebral Palsy and we have a equation for stopping at the looney bin...hahahaha I'm only joking but on a serious note I think this is a move that will benefit us all. 
About a year ago I was in church praying. I pray all the time because I have no idea what I'm going to do and still unsure about things at this present moment. Anyways I was praying & when I got done. Something told me to move. I didn't know where or what  but God was saying to move. Logically I couldn't we still had our lease , school, etc...so since I was doing the logical thing. Around June of this year is when I got my letter from the DOD saying I was part of the 3% of military families that will be affected by this new rules. Figures just my luck, when I called the insurance company it seemed there wasn't a loophole I could find with the exception of one. An Access to care Waiver, which means I sign a piece of paper knowing that I needed to drive up to or over a hundred miles for care!!!! With the cost of gas and four children that would not be cheap at all even for just regular check ups. I should've listened to God, He definitely will make us move even when we are dragging our feet. So this is to be continued once we hit our first state on our travels.......



Traveling Gypsies For  The Moment 

:-)

"Always Pray First"- Pastor Chris Hodges

Hand In Hand

My battle with ASD has been a struggle. Most days it's not as obvious as it was today.Today at the soccer field, it was more obvious than most days. My sweet baby girl was off to the side away from the team during half time. I could see the distance she puts between her and other people. Not because she wants too or that she doesn't want to get along with them, it's because she doesn't know how. 
My heart was torn, this wasn't what I had planned. She had a rough start to life coming into this world at a little shy of 26 weeks and weighing in at 1lb 10oz. we had the normal struggles through the NICU. Once we got to the toddler years we had speech therapy and was more worried about her lungs than the obvious signs that there was something wrong. I didn't worry that she didn't want to be held, that it actually irritated her. I was so glad she was breathing on her own and trying to walk. I will never let her know how much it worries me and breaks my heart seeing her try to fit in and not understand why other children find it odd with some of the habits she has. 
After the game walking hand in hand with her, I quickly reminded myself how much I love her and knowing there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect her. Then it hit me, what will happen after I'm gone. Who will be there cheering her on? Giving her a thumbs up when she's done something right or holding her when she's crying and can't understand why her "friend" would do something to hurt her. I've tried to tell her you can't trust everyone but she doesn't understand. Her reality isn't there, if they say they are her friend she trusts them and gets hurt over and over again. I can't be there all the time but it's hard to see her hurt.
There's a reason God gave me everything that He has but I wonder some times that it's too much. I just have to hang in there and wait. I have to quickly remind myself I don't have time to feel sorry for me, I have my child to teach what she needs to know and be here for her and her three siblings. 

When its quiet...

When my world gets quiet is a very hard time for me. My time isn't filled with school, sports, managing teams, changing diapers, being a counselor, being a taxi or even being a friend. It's a time of reflection for me and some times its not always what I want to face. I keep myself so busy that I don't even have time to sit still. When I do sit still and I cry, I hate to cry but I do. Everything comes flooding through like a dam has opened. It's when I realize that my life hasn't turned out like I wanted as well as my short comings in my life. My heart aches every single day of my losses, what I should've done and terrified of what my future holds. 
Everyone sees a different person, the person that manages teams, does school work with kids, practices, games , what a great time management person I can be with all my hectic schedules. The reality is I'm not together inside. I stay so busy that I don't have time to dwell on me. The more I do the more I fall apart inside. There's a dark side inside of me that wants to crawl into a hole. My life has been one obstacle after another from childhood all the way up into my adult life. I feel like I'm grasping but I keep falling back down into that dark hole. I stand beside I can't stand phony people but in reality I'm the biggest fake person out there. I pretend to be fine and happy but in reality I'm not. I can't let anyone too close to me because I've had my heart broken and ripped in half over and over again. My ex husband did it multiple times,my family and my so called best friends did it and my heart felt like it was going to explode into millions of pieces when I loss my babies. Of all the hurt in the world that was the worst feeling in my life. The wait to see their life drain right out of them while holding them and knowing there was nothing I could do at all. These times are very rare and far between but I am determined that I will not let that happen to my children as much as I can. 
When I fall apart there's no one there. There's no one to turn too because I keep surronding myself with the same people that has ripped, torn and made my heart explode..WHY?! I want to teach my children that people change, that they deserve a second chance and there are good people out there. Even if they are that good person there is such a thing as good people. I don't want their hearts harden like mine has over the years. 

Freedom...

As the past few days there's been a lot of media coverage on Chick-Fil-A. While I was laying in bed last night thinking, I wondered what people thought the owners faith & beliefs were. This company closes on Sundays just because of their beliefs & it seems like people are outraged at his belief. Yes they are saying it's because he's against gay marriage but that is his belief..Some people don't believe in marriage, or inter racial dating or marriage. What's the difference? Why aren't people outraged about that and boycotting people like that? Despite what everyone wants to believe this country hasn't grown up in that aspect we just learned how to adapt and mask how we feel because it's politically incorrect. I do claim to be an imperfect, sinful & very wavering faith Christian at times. We all are, there is no one out there that is perfect & without sin. Last I remember is that we aren't to judge anyone. That's not our job, we can't judge unless we are without sin. My children have an "uncle" that is gay. We absolutely adore & love him. He would give us the shirt off his back if we asked or even needed it. All I want is for him to be happy & that's that. He's a good man, yes we don't agree with some things but he is a GOOD man & good people are hard to find now days. He doesn't shove it down our throat but we don't also discriminate against him because him being gay. Why should we? That goes against everything I stand for & what God stands for. He says love everyone , even your enemies. As a mother of with children, I TRY to instill that we love everyone no matter what their beliefs, preferences or even race. The main reason I tell my children this is that we are not perfect & neither is anyone else. Judge a person for that person not by his religious preference, sexual preferences, or even by their race. There are good & bad people of every walk of life and that is how we should look at it. We live in a great country where we have freedom of speech & religion. We are allowed to exercise this to the fullest. Personally I think this country would be a better country if we can agree to disagree. We should be tolerate of different opinions, it would make this world a better place. My family & friends have died for this freedom the least we can do is respect that we don't agree & learn to be tolerate of each other. Above all things what are we teaching our children? Are we giving them tools to grow up & be able to show empathy,be selfless and loving adults? Yes it's good to know what you believe in & where your stand in your values but that is just that it's YOUR values & we should be able to show respect to others that don't share the same ones.

should we turn the other cheek...

It has come to my attention that some times we should turn our heads when its someone in our profession or line of work. We were talking about someone cheating on their wife with an acquatiance of ours but since he & she were in the same line of work we "wont judge" since it has nothing to do with me. Seems odd when the same person doesn't like or care for cheaters accepts it because they stand bside their co-workers not because they are friends or even family it's because we are brothers & sisters in blue & we stick together...no matter what the cost is to anyone else around that will be affected..
Don't get me wrong, judging is not the right thing to do but when is it that you turn your back on your own beliefs. What you think is right or wrong. We all have that person we stand beside no matter right or wrong but when do you draw the line when it compromises your belief?
What about the other people involved that doesn't know. It seems like a downhill roll once they find out, seems like its not fair they are being punished for something they didn't do or have no control over.
Then there are things done that are unforgiveable. When do we compromise what we believe in for the ones we love? Or do we just keep our mouths shut because it is a difference of opinion and turn the other cheek...Just a thought.