Hand In Hand

My battle with ASD has been a struggle. Most days it's not as obvious as it was today.Today at the soccer field, it was more obvious than most days. My sweet baby girl was off to the side away from the team during half time. I could see the distance she puts between her and other people. Not because she wants too or that she doesn't want to get along with them, it's because she doesn't know how. 
My heart was torn, this wasn't what I had planned. She had a rough start to life coming into this world at a little shy of 26 weeks and weighing in at 1lb 10oz. we had the normal struggles through the NICU. Once we got to the toddler years we had speech therapy and was more worried about her lungs than the obvious signs that there was something wrong. I didn't worry that she didn't want to be held, that it actually irritated her. I was so glad she was breathing on her own and trying to walk. I will never let her know how much it worries me and breaks my heart seeing her try to fit in and not understand why other children find it odd with some of the habits she has. 
After the game walking hand in hand with her, I quickly reminded myself how much I love her and knowing there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect her. Then it hit me, what will happen after I'm gone. Who will be there cheering her on? Giving her a thumbs up when she's done something right or holding her when she's crying and can't understand why her "friend" would do something to hurt her. I've tried to tell her you can't trust everyone but she doesn't understand. Her reality isn't there, if they say they are her friend she trusts them and gets hurt over and over again. I can't be there all the time but it's hard to see her hurt.
There's a reason God gave me everything that He has but I wonder some times that it's too much. I just have to hang in there and wait. I have to quickly remind myself I don't have time to feel sorry for me, I have my child to teach what she needs to know and be here for her and her three siblings.