My Silence

 When you said "that was too easy", it may have been easy for you but what My Silence was saying is....

You broke me!

You made me feel alive again

You made me look forward to seeing you everyday

You crawled over walls that I have held so close to my heart that terrified me.

I allowed you to do all that to me

I allowed you in my life, to share my world that I have worked so hard to keep protected to keep this from happening again.

I allowed you to see my scars, to share my pain, my fears and my world. 

How could you not hear my heart being shredded. My heart was beating so loudly, the feeling of knives stabbing my heart over and over. It was so loud, I barely even heard the words "I"m sorry"

I was calm because when I heard the words come out of your mouth I KNEW BETTER!

I knew something was not right, that deep down gut feeling that I couldn't shake. To the point where I felt like something was sour in my stomach. I pushed it to the side even when I saw all the flags waving from miles away. I TRUSTED you, but in the end I knew better. 

My heart feels like it has been wrapped in chains and dragged across broken glass. It's like looking into a dark hallway but there is a faint light miles down that hallway. As I walk closer in this black abyss the light keeps getting brighter the closer I get to it. I hold my breath because I know what that light is. I just have to be careful to not touch it or hold on to it for too long. See when I come in contact with that light, it brings me to my knees. Tears stream down my face uncontrollably and those are the times when I can barely make it through the day. Those are the days that I am barely hanging on by a string. These are the days that make me wonder if this life is even worth it. This part of me I keep hidden from the world, it is so precious to me that I'm willing to sacrifice every once of my own life to protect it. One day, I will find someone that will be worthy of knowing all of me, even this part. See in this minuscule ball of light is hope. It sees the good in this world when everything is in chaos around us. It is unconditional love and loyalty. This ball of light was HUGE at one point, but I've been physically and emotionally beaten. Told I was good enough and not worth loving which there are days I have a hard time loving myself. Now this bright light has been diminished into a third of what it was. Every single time it starts to grow, something or someone comes and reminds me it's not worth it. 

In the end I knew better! Even after all of this, I still love you. It sounds mad , crazy and even absurd but I still love you unconditionally. 

Even though I am silent, I'm slowly dying inside.